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What to tell Jehovah's Witnesses

Sunday, September 2, 2012


"I'm Jewish, my ancestors killed Jesus. And we'd do it again in a heartbeat."

"Not now. I just rented Batman."

"I'd love to talk to you, but my beer is getting cold."

"Everlasting life? Why the fuck would anyone want that?"

"There are no public restrooms here, sorry."

"Nice shoes. Did you make those in prison?"

"I thought the PeeWee Herman Convention ended last weekend."

"Love the outfits. Where did you park the DeLorean?"

"Wait. Pat Boone is not dead, is he?"

"In the old country, where I come from, 'Watchtower' rhymes with 'toilet paper.'"

"Hey thanks, man. I love comic books."

"It's not Halloween. You know that, right?"

"Can't help you. The National Alliance on Mental Illness moved out of this building a month ago."

"If you're looking for the titty bar, it's one block down."

"Sorry, I don't have any spare change. Plus I know you'll just buy wine with it."

"Don't you Amway people know when to stop?"

"Sorry, but no, I won't allow a new episode of Jackass to be filmed on my property."

"I thought there was supposed to be a third Stooge?"

"Good, can you wait while I make a quick phone call? Your illegitimate uncle was here looking for you an hour ago."

"I didn't realize the New Republicans were still in existence."

"I don't suppose you can get L. Ron Hubbard's autograph for me?"

"Wait. Didn't all you guys commit suicide in Guyana?"

"Aren't you a little old to be selling Girl Scout cookies? What the fuck, dudes."

"That purse you have there? It's probably worth something on eBay. Just sayin'."

"Don't go next door. The guy fucking hates Mormons."

"Hey, man. Give Mitt my regards."

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